Children who were born outside the United States are losing a country, a language, and even though their adoptive parents work hard to be sure they don’t lose their culture, they still lose the day-to-day contact with their culture.  

And they gain a day-to-day immersion in our culture. Not that this is a bad thing, but we must be sensitive to the fact that children adopted transculturally have been plunked down into a world where no one looks like them, the sights and sounds and smells are unfamiliar, the food tastes funny and they can’t communicate easily any more.  

When children tell the story of coming to their new country, they all say that they were afraid on the plane or train. Upon arriving in their new community, people stare and want to touch their hair. People will talk about them as though they’re not present and people who are not rude will ask rude questions, out of curiosity or simply in an effort to show their interest.

What does all this mean for those of us who want to support a new adoptive family?

First, be sensitive with your comments. “Are you nuts!” is not supportive, even if said in jest. An adoptive family has claimed a child or children as their own. “Congratulations!” would be a great response, and sincere congratulations will mean much to a family who might be a bit overwhelmed as their family settles into its new way of operating. Questions about how much it cost to adopt, what happened to the child’s birth parents, and whether the children are birth siblings, are all intrusive questions that are awkward for the parents to answer, especially in the presence of the children.

Second, do not expect the children to be grateful for their new home. Remember, they are here because of a tremendous loss. Usually they’re here because of powers beyond their control, and not because they’ve chosen to be here. Some children are happy to be adopted, but some are not…especially at first when everything is a bit scary. Children waiting in an orphanage fantasize that their birthparents are coming back to get them, that a relative will adopt them or that someone who looks like them and speaks their language will take them home. Getting on the plane to come to the United States dashes all those dreams.

Third, let the parents be in charge. If you are lucky enough to be traveling with parents when they meet their children for the first time, don’t intrude on the family bonding process. Children who leave their first family, enter into a group living situation, and then are adopted, will likely not know how to act…this is another new experience for them and it doesn’t match anything they’ve known before! They may scream all day, they may never smile, they may shrink from hugs, or they may clamor for hugs. Their new parents must be the ones who respond to their children. Even if the children want to be hugged by you, gently direct them to Mom or Dad. This is hard, but the children need to attach to their parents, not to bystanders.

Fourth, save your advice. Parents don’t need it right now. Even comments such as, “You’re so lucky,” or “Your child is so lucky,” or “It must be difficult for your child,” are not what parents need to hear. Rather, “Call me if you need anything,” or “Can I drop off some lasagna?” might be appreciated. But if the answer is, “No thanks,” don’t be put off. And hold off on giving gifts. Remember these children come from simple surroundings, and new toys and clothes can be overwhelming.  A card letting parents know you support them, send them warm wishes and are keeping them in your thoughts will be more valuable than a gift.

Lastly, be patient. Parents and children are both adjusting. Parents alone will decide how and when their children are ready to interact with you and your family. For a while, sometimes a long while, parents will keep their children at home, so that the children can become comfortable with a small section of this new world before exposing them to the vastly different place in which they find themselves. Take your cue from the parents, who have no doubt developed incredible patience as they work to develop strong bonds and a trusting relationship with their children.  Hold off on giving gifts. Remember these children come from simple surroundings, and new toys and clothes can be overwhelming.

We all learn from experience. Children who have lived part of their lives in an orphanage have learned different lessons from children who are born into a family and remain there. They’ve learned different ways of interacting with adults and with peers, they’ve learned how to get attention or how to keep from attracting attention, they’ve learned skills that help to keep them alive. Parents will help their children learn new skills and new ways of coping. It takes a village to raise a child, but before the new village steps up to help, wait for parents to invite the village in.

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