Speaking of Adoption : Related Articles

Where Did They Come From?
by Mary Grossnickle

Sometimes people ask stupid questions. "They're not your children are they?" "Where did they come from?" "How much did they cost?"

Questions like these will happen not just once, but many times, if your child looks or acts "different," different from the norm and/or different from you.

To our children, these questions send the message that if you have to be explained, it's like you have to be justified. They are being paid attention to because they don't look like you. This very fact can undermine your child's sense of belonging to and with you.

And what about your birth children, or children you may have adopted who do happen to look like you? If you choose to explain your family to someone, you need to explain how all of your children joined your family. Some parents give a really lengthy answer with lots of details and they say, "I bet they don't ask that question again!"

When considering whether or not to respond to questions or comments, ask yourself, "Do I want to give this information to anyone? To this person? Do I want to give this information now, in line at the post office?"

You may choose not to answer the question at that time. You might ask the person, "Why do you want to know?" Perhaps the person is interested in adopting, and if that's the reason he or she is asking, you may choose to get a phone number and call when it's a better time to talk.

Some parents say, "I'd rather not discuss that right now." By doing this, you are teaching your children that they don't need to give out personal information when they don't feel comfortable doing so. You are giving them words to use when people ask questions that make them uncomfortable.

It's your job to know the impact on all your children when someone comes up to you and asks you about your relationship with your children. It's not your job to educate others about adoption except when and where you choose to do that.